I take out my journal and pen. The scent of the old leather and paper fills the air. On the top of my page, I write…

Dear past self,

Of everyone I have lost, I had missed myself the most. 

When you looked in the mirror and saw your face covered in acne, you found it hard to believe you were beautiful. When you stepped on the scale and watched the number rise, it was hard to believe that you fit the standard. So, you would hide in your room, hoping no one would notice you. You would eat one meal a day and survive off of water until the number fell. Anxiety and depression simultaneously made you feel terrified and exhausted. You feared failure, but had no motivation to be productive. You wished to be alone, but were afraid of loneliness. You were feeling everything at once, yet numb. When you looked in the mirror, you saw someone you could not recognize anymore. 

And I wish I could tell you it gets easier. I wish I could tell you that you will keep that beautiful smile on your face everyday. But I can not. What I can tell you though, is the truth. The truth is you will finally awaken to your greatest essence, which you have always had. The truth is that you will soon discover that you had to lose yourself in order to love yourself more than you have ever loved anything else. And to feel like the best version of yourself, you must reconnect with the one thing that has always made you feel at peace, art.

My canvas sits in front of me. Empty. It screams for completion, for vibrancy, and life. However, it rests completely empty. I study my palette, which encompasses lovely shades of lilac, blue, green, black, and white. I refocus my gaze on the white canvas. I dip the paintbrush into the lilac paint. It used to be my favorite color because of how effortlessly elegant it was. The petals of the lavender flowers that cover the bottom of the canvas are formed as my paintbrush moves in little strokes.

My paintbrush reaches out to meet the green paint. I use my liner brush to paint on leaves with the lavenders. Green, such a common color, yet so beautiful. Green reminds me of Sandwip. The grass, trees, and farms that would fill the small island I am from. I would run around the grass admiring the chicks, sheep, goat, and cows. I would tell my grandfather, “Dada dekho ora aneka sundara,” pointing out their cuteness, as he smiled at me in admiration. Looking at my canvas, I see flowers in a little garden that fills the canvas’ lower portion. Animals roam the garden, going about their business, while a small girl’s eyes glitter with delight.

My flat brush is coated in blue paint. I begin creating the sky as I move toward the top of the canvas. I dip my brush into the white paint to create clouds. My mind is flooded with images of our family picnics in America. My cousins and siblings running around and playing. I’m sitting on the blanket, reading The Invisible Life of Addie Larue. I put down my book and look up at the sky, looking for shapes formed by  the clouds. One of the clouds forms the shape of two people shaking hands. It’s as if the deal Addie made with Luc has come to life. A deal, a soul for freedom. You can live endlessly and do everything you want, but you will be forgotten by everyone you meet. A deal that erases your mark and leaves you with a blank canvas. 

The center of the canvas remains unpainted. I mix both black and white paint to make grey. 

Grey.

If you ask her what color she wants to be, she will unquestionably say grey.

Lilac used to be her favorite color, then there was blue, then there’s green.

Lilac was always elegant and lovely. She had a fondness for blue eyes because they reminded her a lot of the ocean. Green made her think of a garden. She always dreamt of walking through a garden full of colors, feeling at peace with herself.

But if you ask her what color she is, she would say grey.

Grey. Dull yet full of sadness and sorrow. 

A drab color that is both dark and bright.

A color that the rest of the world misunderstands.

Grey conjures up images of a dreary, gloomy day.

It makes her think of pain.

She sees grey when she looks in the mirror.

Her eyes are tired and dim.

Her dream of roaming around the colorful garden has yet to come true.

She doesn’t go outside, instead she hides in her room.

She asks too many questions or she doesn’t speak at all. 

She reads because it distracts her from her problems. It makes the grey fade away.

She paints to add color to her world, but it never lasts.

The girl in grey.

She will make sure everyone around her is doing well.

She will listen to your problems, comfort you, and stay with you.

She will never forget to wish you on your birthday. She will keep you in her prayers.

She wants everyone to see the world in color.

She will go to great lengths to help those around her, but no one would do the same for her.

She’s lonely, exhausted and terrified.

She fakes her smile, day after day.

If you ask her how she is, she’ll say she’s fine. In reality, she is stuck in her grey.

She doesn’t want anyone to worry about her. She doesn’t want to be a burden.

No one could understand her sobs. She has so many stories to tell, so many secrets to reveal, and so many hours to spare. But nobody knows who she is.

She is looking for a purpose.

She spent her entire existence locked in this maze known as her life, and she’s lost.

But she discovers a heart that she aspires to heal.

If you ask her what grey is she’ll say…

Grey is the peaceful night sky.

Grey is an area of confusion and wonder.

Grey feels like loneliness on a rainy night.

Grey is cold and dark.

Grey is empty.

She is grey.

Everything is grey. She wants color, but everything is grey.

Grey and gloomy. The world is grey, as is her face. 

She walks looking down at the grey floor beneath her. She looks up at the grey sky filled with storm clouds. She feels the rain running down her face.

She continues to walk along the grey path, waiting for the day to end.

Everyday feels the same, boring, tiring, and lonely.

She is grey inside and out.

All she wants to do is fade away.

She likes the color grey because it reminds her of herself.

Grey used to remind me of pain. When I looked in the mirror, I saw grey. My vision was blurry and tired. I put on a phony smile every day, while trapped in a pit of grey. I would paint to add color to my world, but it never lasted. For a brief moment, the grey vanished.

Grey, a color misunderstood by the rest of the world.

Grey is no longer gloomy and dark; it has become the light that fills my world. I am deserving of love not only from others around me, but also from the most essential person in my life: myself. I am focusing on my own happiness and well being.

If you ask me what grey is, I’ll say…

Grey is the peaceful night sky.

Grey is an area of wonder.

Grey feels like peace on a rainy night.

Grey is beautiful.

I look at my canvas with the same twinkling eyes. The garden is vibrant and joyful. The lavenders add an elegant touch to the artwork, while the young girl playing with the animals adds a youthful accent. The older girl lies on the blanket, her book on top of her chest, pointing to the clouds. A gorgeous sky and fluffy white clouds fill the top of the canvas. Grey fills the center. Grey symbolizes the adventures I will go on, the laughs I’ll share with my loved ones, and the art I’ll make for the world. Grey is the final piece that completes my canvas.

You did it.

You changed. You decided you deserved to be happy, so you took control of your life. It wasn’t easy to take care of yourself, but nothing would change if you didn’t put in the effort. It took dedication to make changes to your diet and skincare routine. Every day, you prioritized skincare. Now your skin is cleaner, smoother, and brighter. You started eating three nutritious meals everyday. Your friends were there to help you eat when you were ready. They brought you meals that you enjoyed and bit into their food so you wouldn’t be alone. Despite the pain of the first week, you adhered to this plan and did not skip meals. The motivation drove you to give yourself the love you deserve. You prioritized your health and put yourself first. As part of your emotional and mental health, you kept a journal every night. Each day, you picked up that paint brush and painted things that represented who you are. When you look in the mirror now, you see your smile getting brighter by the day. You grew.

Keep in mind that things get worse before they get better. I know you believe things could have turned out differently, but they would not have. The bumps in the road enhanced your growth. They taught you that other people’s opinions do not matter. They taught you that these blemishes and numbers do not define you. You do not need to change in order to meet the expectations of others. You have discovered there was actually nothing wrong with you at all. In my eyes, you were and still are the epitome of perfection.

You have inspired me to capture every idea and event I have had in order to remember the good moments and learn from the bad. I promise we will not go a single day without doing something that fills us with joy.

I have finally found myself and am no longer lost.

Sincerely, Sab